The problem with Halloween when you’re an adult is you can’t go trick or treating, but you will be invited to a party thrown by Jessica from work. The problem with being invited to a party is you will have to get a costume. The problem with getting a costume is it will have to be a sexy nurse to make up for last year when you were a bunch of grapes made out of balloons and everyone talked about how weird that was when they thought you couldn’t hear them but you could because you were right around the corner. The problem with getting a sexy nurse costume is you’re going to get cold. The problem with getting cold is your nipples will get hard and you have big nipples. The problem with your big, hard nipples is all the drunk guys will stare at them. The problem with the drunk guys staring at them is you already silently tolerate their shit at work, but now you’ll be drunk and you’ll have had enough. The problem with having had enough is the guys will think it’s funny and they’ll laugh and tell you to relax. The problem with being told to relax is it will be the final straw, the straw that leads you to lunge and sort-of-jokingly stab Mark from accounting in the arm with your fake syringe. The problem with your fake syringe is that it, being more blunt than pointed, will do more damage than a real syringe would have, and rip a hole about the size of a quarter in Mark’s forearm. The problem with the quarter-sized hole is that it will also be round like a quarter and have an equally round, quarter-sized skin flap hanging off of it that, had you seen it in a movie, would’ve caused you to comment, “How unrealistic.” The problem with a bleeding, round, unrealistic skin flap is that it will make you laugh right at the same moment Mark begins moaning, “Oh no, oh no!” The problem with you laughing while Mark is moaning is it will make it very difficult for you to argue that what you did was an accident, and you’ll realize that in the moment as you’re still laughing, and the whole thing will feel fake. The problem with the whole thing feeling fake is that it will actually be real, and later when you’re explaining how fake it felt to the police, your boss, your parents, your friends, and eventually your lawyer, the fake feeling won’t protect you.
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Jay Vera Summer is a writer and artist living in Florida. She loves animals, plants, and water. Her work may be found in marieclaire.com, Proximity, Luna Luna Magazine, and more. Find her at jayverasummer.com or @jayverasummer on social media.
Photo source: Halloween Forum
Friday, October 6th 2017