I had a dream that we rapped about candy.
3/14 7pm [flying to NYC to see my sister from São Paulo, hours after “God” “found” me]
Holy Shit journal. My world has been shattered. I actually might have had an experience with God. or maybe I should write G-d. It all started w/my conversation with Eduardo about God jesus etc. He said that he asked to see jesus and jesus performed a miracle to save him. [Eduardo specifically said, “I ask Jesus to reveal himself to me, and when he did I believed… and I still do.”] All I needed to do was ask jesus to reveal himself to me and he would in time. So I decided, why not. I asked jesus. That night (Thursday 10th) [I was staying with Eduardo and his family in São Paulo] I prayed for the first time in years. Not since I asked for new skin over and OVER again as a child, not since abuelita asked us [to pray] as kids. I prayed for Japan… major earthquake and tsunami… so sad. I prayed for my family and for Eduardo’s family for being so amazing to me. [Pause for a sec, I was writing really fast so I skipped this part cause I knew I’d remember it later. Here is my actual prayer, “Dear jesus or God or, universe- whatever you are, I wanted to ask you if you could reveal yourself to me. I don’t know if you’re there or not and I never thought to ask even though this feels silly to me. I don’t believe in you specifically but I believe in the power of belief and possibility and energy… so if you’re there- could you reveal yourself to me? I mean, I don’t know why I’m doing this. I can’t look forever, plus- how will I know if it’s real? I mean, I could see a sign and think its a sign just because I’m looking for one, you know? Like how people at séances see their dead uncles because they want to see their dead uncles. Ok, well… g’night who ever you are.”]
Anyway, today at the park we were walking, hanging out. I love hanging with Eduardo, I fall in love so easily, sigh. As we were leaving a man stopped us, I thought he was going to ask us for money, Eduardo talked to him and I wandered away, avoiding ants. Then they called me over and Eduardo began to translate.
The man asked to speak to me specifically [Eduardo later told me that they talked about his mission for a bit but then the man said, “Ok I need to talk to her now. Will you translate for me?”] because as he was about to leave, God told him in his heart to “reveal” himself to me through the missionary. [I understood the word ‘reveal’ (revelar) when the man said it in portuguese before Eduardo even translated that part] I was so shocked, I began to shake and then the missionary gave me a bracelet w/6 beads on it. [The missionary was wearing the bracelet and took it off to tie around my left wrist. In my journal I drew a picture of the bracelet and the colors and order of the beads and what they meant.]
black- consciousness (uh I dunno but something about me not being w/God)
red- blood of christ
clear – blood of christ washing me clean
green – new hope [Star Wars Episode IV bead…]
blue – [Eduardo’s translating was less than perfect, plus he’s really absent minded. He explained what the blue bead meant but later forgot. I didn’t remember either and now we don’t know, oy.]
yellow – the heaven that awaits me
holy shit right? I mean… I was shaking and then I told Eduardo what I had prayed for and he ran to tell the missionary. The missionary stopped [his car] (Eduardo had goosebumps even before I told him what I had prayed for) he got out of his car, listened to Eduardo then embraced me and asked God to accept me or love me or something, deff praying. I completely broke down. I felt.. uncomfortable, confused but also embraced in such a pure comforting way. I was crying and when I looked at Eduardo he was crying too, Then I said I had to sit down [I really thought I was going to faint, especially because I felt a strange wind blow through us as we embraced and I NEVER cry] Eduardo said it was ok and touched my head.
The whole car ride I couldn’t stop crying. I mean, I didn’t know what to think and I still don’t. Can I really ignore this? was it because I simply wanted to believe? We stopped on a quiet street to talk for a bit then returned home. [section removed]
I’m going to be honest and do what I want from now on. If people can’t handle it, who needs em. I’m going to try and be more open, honest and loving. But also loving of myself. And maybe even love God while I’m at it. Maybe he likes me back, maybe not but either way I love myself and the universe, or God for lack of a better word, loves me too. [here I drew an arrow down from the statement “I love myself” to this sentence] I never say that! I’m so proud of myself.
Maybe I’m finally starting to understand myself as I understand the rest of the world. I mean, that sculpture exhibit really spoke to me “to know something you must know it’s opposite.” so true. Something that I’ve always believed.
[Here is the actual quote from the pamphlet I got from the Obsessões da Forma or Obsessions With Form exhibit at the Museum of Art in São Paulo: “To know one thing, it is important to understand its opposite.” (Henry Moore)]