Welcome to the Zone…the Astrology Zone. Here are all 12 signs of the Zodiac. My breakdown of the summary of Susan Miller’s predictions for January 2014.
CAPRICORN
All the planets are aligned with you right now and you are in control of everything! What’s the one thing in control of you? Uranus of course! You can pretty much fuck with all the other signs this month and remain a balanced, totally successful individual. This doesn’t mean that shit isn’t gonna go down (the stars don’t make you free of consequence little baby sea goat), but you’re gonna have to be the one that decides what happens in the end. Remember, Venus is in retrograde so communication is pretty much fucked so be careful with your loved ones this month. Oh yeah, P.S you’re either going to have this thing happen at the beach where you take ecstasy, bury a watermelon and then get arrested for drinking a Tecate, or you’re gonna get engaged February 1st.
AQUARIUS
Sup boo! When’s the last time you brushed your teeth? Really? Yeah, the stars knew it. Time to get your monster breath into the dentist chair. You’ve got a lot of planning to do if you’re gonna have an awesome year. You’ve been feeling a little cray these past couple of weeks but by January 15th, you’ll be off meds and ready to hit the treadmill instead. Uranus is having unpredictable outbursts of anger, which doesn’t surprise any of us astrology buffs, so watch out if you’re planning on traveling in the early part of the month. Apparently some intense things happened during the 24th and 25th of December and you need to chill. The weather forecast for January 31st is full sun shining brightly on Uranus. Festive.
PISCES
You’ve got a lot of friends trying to get you to do shit for them this month. You’re pretty pissed. People are inviting you out to dinner and then saying “thanks for getting the bill, bro.” If you’re getting laid as a result, you may not mind. If not, leave your friends at the restaurant (unless your friend is a Capricorn). On some Monday (not sure which), you’re gonna have a really erotic experience. You may have to pay for it, but you might not. Looks like you’re also going to end up at a cabin in the woods writing your autobiography. Chill.
ARIES
The last month of December sure was a bitch, right? January won’t be easy either, but you’re going to be getting a new job! Venus is in your tenth house of fame (which means absolutely nothing), so if you need to stab people in the back in order to get this bodacious opportunity of a lifetime, so be it! The stars actually told us who is going head to head for you for this job…and we know that the boss is really a self-centered prick, so the best thing to do is going to be to make up a lot of lies and “ram” your way into getting what you want. Do you already have a job? That’s cool, maybe you’ll just fuck with some other stuff. Also, there’s going to be a lot of sandwiches in your life this month.
TAURUS
You fucked up. Everybody knows it. Your gf/bf is pissed and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it…that is…unless you go on a vacation together immediately and get him/her pregnant. If that’s just not possible for whatever reason (gender, fertility issues, inconvenience) then the only other option is to go to a spa together. You’re gonna have to pay for a really expensive massage, plus a body scrub and hot oil treatment. I’m sorry but that’s just how the stars are aligning. You’re going to have a great idea on January 16th. Uranus is strong for the new moon. You’ll be feeling sexy. You’re going to try and get a job, but you need to watch out about what I said to Aries cuz you’re gonna get super screwed over. Don’t tell them I told you.
GEMINI
You’re gonna be thinking about money. You’re gonna be the one trying to weasel Pisces people into paying for all your shit. Good for you, sneaky little twinsie. If you’ve recently been involved in identity theft (meaning, stealing someone else’s identity), you’ll find great success mid-month when you discover that your bank account is filled with their unexpected cash! Something is going on with your feet…now…I don’t know if it’s warts or corns or bunions or what…honestly I’m kind of grossed out thinking about it. Either way, it’s time to buy some new shoes and change your damn socks every day for fuck’s sake. You’re gonna have a new lover at the end of the month and you don’t want them telling you how stinky you are when you climb into bed. You’re welcome!
CANCER
Collaboration is your key to success, says the stars. If you are in an orgy with a Capricorn, be sure to let them lead in the bedroom. We all know that you want to be domineering but maybe it’s time to be the one tied up for once. The full moon is going to draw attention to something really intense…your mom…she’s coming to stay with you this month, forever. It doesn’t matter if she’s alive or not, she’s going to be moving in with you and you’re going to have to sleep in the living room from now on.
LEO
You are the one who can tell all of us who is being deceptive and who is being truthful. You are able to see everyone’s true nature! This is pretty intense because, as the stars tell us, most people are pretty horrible. You’re used to being in the spotlight, but for this month, you’re going to be front row and center, forced to watch the play that is the shit show of other people’s problems. That doesn’t mean that cool shit isn’t going to happen. Apparently, you’re going to go to a ballet and you’re going to be taken out to a spa, and you’re also going to adopt a French Bulldog!
VIRGO
Hey Virgo, it would be super fun to go on a trip right now, wouldn’t it?! Too bad you’re too busy and too broke to go anywhere! This is a good time for love so you should go to the Natural History Museum and find some dude or lady who is spending hella cash at the gift shop and ask them out somewhere that totally bores you but pretend you like them a lot and then maybe they can help pay your rent. Throw a party on the full moon and encourage people to give you massages while you chill out in the nude sippin on freshly squeezed orange juice. P.S. update your blog at the end of the month, cuz like, you’re really smart and interesting.
LIBRA
You know how you’ve been spending all this time redecorating your house? No? What the fuck. You were supposed to be doing that these past couple of months. The stars are really pissed now, but they believe in you, so you have one more month to get your shit together. In your love life, Uranus is triggering something very interesting, and a little bit spicy. I’d be lying if I said that you weren’t going to get pregnant this month, which is incredible, because you also won’t be having any sex. You truly are a mystical creature. On January 11th you will welcome people into your home for a baby shower, or an exorcism.
SCORPIO
You’ve been having a lot of sex this holiday season. What a slut you are! If you’re reading this from the Planned Parenthood waiting room, as most of you do, pause for a moment and take a look around. See all of the other Scorpios looking at each other at the same time? That’s not a coincidence, that’s astrological forecasting in action. Once you go home and have to wait for your test results, we here in the universe think it’s best for you to take some time alone. You’re going to be moving this month, probably when you get kicked out of your house, so the best thing to do in the first half of the month would be to sit on a rock and have a good cry. It’s ok Scorpio! February is looking fly.
SAGITTARIUS
You wrote a bad check didn’t you? Tsk Tsk. The most baffling part of this situation is that you still carry a checkbook around with you! Don’t you realize the kind of technological wonderland we live in today? Do you have a pager too or did you trade that in for a cellular telephone yet? We know this predicament is not entirely because you are out of touch. You’ve been gift giving so much this year that you didn’t leave any money left for yourself! If may feel like you’ve reached the bottom, but you’re going to be in a hot confrontation mid-month and, I wasn’t going to say it but, your sister is going to spit in your face. By the end of the month you will be so fed up that you go to a yoga retreat, which is really fantastic for you, as long as you pay in cash.